#i am. not feelinng better

[almostvermin]

I'm sorry, I slept through the entire night

I hope you're sleeping well and feel better soon, I love you so much more than I could put out into words

no do NOT be sorry about thatthats what ive been trying to get you to do for ages. yay for sleep!!

[darlingofdots]

One thing I really appreciate about their relationship is how deeply they care about one another while quite clearly not being in love; Laurence only twigs that they're sleeping together in BoT because Jane signs her letters to him as Jane, but the tone of their correspondence is not sentimental and they clearly do not exchange the kind of declarations and endearments usually associated with romantic love. When Laurence asks her to marry him he's not singing her praises or going all "in vain I have suffered" on her, and her rejection is not sentimental either. Laurence clearly respects and cares for her and values her good opinion a great deal, and she goes so far as to tell him she loves him in VoE ("I shouldn't [sit by as they hang you] and neither would anyone else who loves you") but I would not even classify the sex scene in LoD as romantic.

I always say that allo people are weird about sex and in many ways Anglo-European culture is as a whole (I am redacting an entire diatribe about sexual norms taken straight from my dissertation, anyway read The Consummate Virgin) because we still want to see sex and romantic love as linked, when really sex is just a collection of acts that people do with their bodies that does not have to be related to interpersonal feelinngs at all. I read that scene in LoD not at all as an "oh thank God I have finally been reunited with my true love" and much more explicitly as Laurence being restored to his position in society. He had to be torn down and expelled in order to undergo the transformation that allows him to achieve what he is meant to achieve and now he has returned to be rewarded for his hardships not with the conventions of romantic love but with a (metaphorical) campfire and banquet before he has to set out again for his grand hurrah. He's made it through the wilderness and intense deprivation which made him focus only on survival for his dragon and his men, and the interlude in London shows that he has left that part of the journey behind and is once more allowed to feel pleasure and ambition and also, of course, that his comrades have not deserted him.

I want to make it really clear that I don't care what Novik intended but from a narrative standpoint, the actual reward at the end of Laurence’s journey is Tharkay offering his hospitality; it has the same position and function as "and then the hero married the king's daughter and they lived happily ever after" and it harkens back so clearly to Laurence’s musings about a quiet place in the country with room for "a dragon napping in the sun." Sex and romantic love are not at all the focus of the series and I think it is better off for it, but I absolutely agree that a queer reading offers itself up and that reading Laurence’s relationship with Jane as queer this way is a really rewarding angle!

Bi-Ace Laurence and Aro Roland

Okay so a few weeks ago I made a comment about viewing Jane Roland/Laurence as queer, and @sere-allwehaveisnowasked me to dig into it. This is a slightly cleaned up version of the ramble I gave on the Temeraire discord, just on the off-chance folks from the broader fandom might find it interesting!

So I can see how that description of Laurence/Roland might seem surprising at a first glance! They're an M/F pair, and obviously that lends itself to a very traditional heterosexual reading. But that's not the only possible reading, at all!

"Queer" is a catchall term and an umbrella term, which means there has been a lot of quibbling over what exactly 'counts' is queer. "Is X queer?" is a Discourse repeated ad nauseam; replace X with 'ace people', 'aro people', 'polyamorous people', 'kinksters', 'furries', etc.... It gets really hard to draw firm lines. Which is why I generally subscribe to te definition of queer as "anything which transgresses the social norms in the broadly overlapping space of sexuality, romance, and gender" So on a base level, you have the fact that in the time and setting of the Temeraire series, Jane Roland is breaking So Many gender norms. She's a soldier, masculine, heavier set and with facial scarring. Under some more flexible definitions of queer, almost any sexual and/or romantic relationship she entered into would be inherently queer due to how she transgresses the boundaries. That said, while I do find something compelling there, that alone isn't really why I see Jane/Will as queer, since while Roland might be transgression within the text, to the average 21st century reader, she's not nearly so shocking.

For me, it's much more about how Laurence/Roland fits much much more into broader queer readings of both their characters, notably the bi (and to a lesser extent, ace) experience for Laurence, and the aromantic reading for Roland.

I very much do read Laurence as a bisexual guy who never really realised he was bisexual, partly because his attraction genders were fairly equal, and both fairly low. In book one, he doesn't really seem personally that attracted to the idea of a traditional marriage-- it's just sort of What One Does, and he does like the idea of the companionship a marriage with offer. He's friends with Edith, their engagement makes sense, and he doesn't have any other option that's more appealing, so... Why not? But equally, while he's disappointing to lose that future, he's not heartbroken either.

Specifically, I think what attracts Laurence is military competence. (Or maybe not quite military per say, but certainly something adjacent. Being in the field, getting your hands dirty). And he'd never really twigged to that because... All the women he had met until then were Society Ladies(tm). They were divorced from that entire sphere. And sure, Laurence saw it in men, but he didn't read it as sexual attraction, he just read it as admiration. (It can be hard to untangle the difference!)

But then he meets Jane. Who is feminine while also masculine. A woman who displays all these elements of military competence that Laurence is foremost drawn to. And I really do think that's the Rosetta stone for realising his attraction to men.

I also think there's a really great ace reading of him getting back together with Jane for LoD? Not just that he apparently hadn't had any sex for the previous 3.5 books; that could equally be attributed to his depression and social isolation. But it's the way that encounter has less to do with him craving sex specifically, or craving romance, as him feeling the joy and relief of having regained Jane's trust.

As for Roland... Man I read her as aro, so bad. I can absolutely see the reading where she isn't inherently/naturally disinclined to romance, but basically taught herself to repress her desire for the sake of her career. And that's definitely compelling. But I see so much of someone who just doesn't really care about romance, doesn't really get what everyone else sees in it, and is just going to carry on without it.

And I just love that Roland/Laurence continues throughout the entire series, but doesn't end with them getting married and having kids or anything like that. They have this great fiends with benefits situation which is genuinely SO refreshing.

All of this I think dovetails deeper into my feelings about queerness in the Temeraire series as a whole. These books were published in a time where there was a huge push for greater gay representation (one we're still living through now), and I believe that was a big part of the analysis. And indeed, I think it's fair to examine and ask why there wasn't more of an explicit M/M representation in the story. But at the same time, a question I often grapple with as an a-spec person, is how do you depict the more 'subtle' queer identities? Especially ones like asexuality and aromanticism, which are defined by a lack of something? Especially in historical fiction, where it would be deeply weird to have the characters use modern terminology and bust out some pride flags. And I don't know if any of this was Novik's intentions or not; to a large extent, I don't care. But I do think there's a lot of stuff in this narrative that resonates with a lot of bi, asexual, and aromantic experiences, and that's really interesting to analyse.

[badwolfweightloss-blog]

2-4-23

Tough day today and also yesterday. My voice coach even noticed it - she asked if something was wrong, and was saying I was being to hard on myself. She was right - I was definitely off. Then, today, I weighed in +4 from what I expected. I know that's not fat, I have been in a calorie defecit, but it really messed with my confidence. Plus, last night we saw our friends. I had fake wine and some cheese and nuts. That was over my weeklies. I also had a little too much sushi. Today, my overeating continued. I had some chips and pretzels and the end of the ceaser salad. I am down to a small amount of points on a day when I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with my friends. I guess I don't want to be with them. I really just want time to myself and not to have to be the parent and wife and housecleaner today. Also, there was a lot of stress this morning when our pipes froze in our house. I was so scared that they were going to burst. Thank God they seem ok. But I don't know, I feel like my realm of control is off - like the events that are happening and that I am part of are not of my own choosing. I hate that feelinng. its a constant theme in my life - other people controlling my choices. It sets me off and then I binge. So I think I need to get myself in a better headspace.

For now, if I am going to keep my head in the game, I need to remember that I have lost weight this past month. I have not gone off plan. Today, I'm actually still within my points. I am ok. I am still on plan. Everything is ok.

[is-the-bdubs-video-cute]

If Bdubs comes here you should offer him a position as a mod

this is one of the paths i can take. or i could cower in fear

hmmmmm

[teamironmanforever]

It's been 0 days since someone on this hellsite had me seeing red due to their tone deafness and sheer assholery

0. Days.

[marrmora]

By the wway I am feelinng better

I am nno lonnger sick

Annd my boyfriennds are sticking wwith me right nnow

Eridann here, sorry for vvriska. 8 got super upset, but Spider’s nnow goinng to bed.

[the---hermit]

5 simple daily habits that changed my life

In the past years I have been trying to implement small things, that could help improve my life with little effort. I don't think I have found the superme way to win at life, but these are a few things that did highly improve my days :

Keeping a daily gratitude list

I implemented this habit into my bullet journal almost two years ago. I had been seeing a lot of people doing it, and at the beginning I wasn't so sure about this. I decided to give it a try anyway, and i haven't stopped ever since. I will admit there are days in which I have to select just a few things, because everything wouldn't fit. Other days I have to really think to find something to be grateful for. This exercise is so good for this exact reason, it forces you to find at least one good thing in each day. It's litteraly a way to force yourself to see something positive in each day, and let me tell you, it's such a simple thing that has a huge impact on the long run. Even if you aren't sure about it I would reccomend to give it a try for one month, it takes one minute of your time each day, and you'll see if it could be a good habit for you.

Keeping a daily journal

I used to have a weird relationship with journaling, I might end up doing a separate post on it, but then around a year ago I finally managed to make an habit out of it. I try to journal everyday for at least five minutes. I feel like it's a great outlet, but it doesn't have to be necessarily about what one is feeling. In the past I had developed a bad relationship with the sort of journal I was keeping, partially because I felt a sort of awkwardness linked to it, but also because I associated it with many bad feelings. So anytime I would pick it up it would trigger my anxiety, and other bad feelinngs. This was until I started all over again, and I developped a new habit by using journaling prompts for self reflection, and self discovery. This made me associate my journal with better feelings, and it is now a great way not only to keep memories, or to process things that happen in my life, but also for self discovery, and ranting about anything, and keeping memories. To anyone who wants to start a journaling habit, I highly reccomend to start using prompts found online. I find that following a list of prompts is a good way to stay motivated as the habit is setting. Also I would try to associate this activity to a specific moment in the day, like right before working/studying in the morning, or at the very end of your day.

Reading first thing in the morning

This is the latest habit I have added to my daily routine, and I am enthusiastic about it. I love it so much. What I do is after waking up, I get out of bed, I prepare myself a hot mug of tea and I read for 30 minutes to an hour. This new habit prevents me from using my phone right after waking up, it makes me way more motivate to get up in the morning, and I get so much more reading done that I normally did. It's a great way to get my brain working in the morning, and if I could go back in time I would start doing this sooner. There's no other thing I would reccomend this much, I love this.

Tracking my habits

Again, this is something that you see quite often online on bullet journals, and so on. It's a very simple thing that just helps you to be more mindful about what you want to do on a weekly/monthly basis. I find that having a habit tracker spread in my bullet journal, makes me more motivated to actually do those habits, and it's nice to see at the end of the month how I did with it.

Keeping a huge glass of water right in front of me anything I sit at my desk

If you are as chaotic as myself, you might have this problem too, if I don't have a bottle of water right in front of me I don't drink enough water during the day. How have I approached this problem? By having a huge glass of water right in front of me anytime I sit down at my desk. And when I say anytime, I mean it.This has changed the game for me, I drink enough water everyday. To remind myself that I should get the water I keep a coaster on my desk at all times, so when I am about to sit down I see it has no glass on top of it, and I go get my water.

[ameliarating]

Oooh I'd love to know more of your feelinngs about Elves trying to comprehend death (perhaps particularly re: Finrod ;))

Oh my goodness! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised!

Well, I had originally tag-mentioned that regarding Legolas who will have a very different relationship with death than Finrod. Legolas would have grown up in a darkening world, seeing Greenwood the Great turn to Mirkwood and would have had an awareness of death early on. But the Elves of Mirkwood were careful and smart and while he would have had a familiarity with it, it wouldn’t have been, I think, a lot at once. (Feel free to call me on that, Third Age is not my best age.)

Finrod would have grown up with no knowledge or understanding or familiarity with death at all. And then boom, Morgoth, Kinslaying, undending battles in Beleriand, and everyone around him dying - his life is saturated with it.

But here’s how I feel regarding elves and death in general - they are never going to reach any peace or understanding of it, especially when concerning non-Elf death. Elves, at least, go to the Halls, and they know how that’s supposed to work - at least in theory. Mortals? Anyone else? Where do they go? 

And, unlike mortals, most of whom (if not all) grow up with a feeling of temporariness - whether or not they accept it, or should accept it, mortals age and they die and they age and they die - Elves are meant to stay in this world. They grow up among adults who just stop aging, who never look different, who only die at all if they are ripped from life. Nothing inevitable about it.

And so to them, all death, natural or not, seems unnatural and wrong and cruel in a very visceral sense because something about it just isn’t supposed to be. It’s not right. Life should be steady and permanent and fade only with Arda itself and when it’s not, it’s wrong, and if it’s not an Elf who does, then where do they go and how long and how is it possible I’m never going to see them again?

Now, because you asked about Finrod, this bit is more specific to him, but he’s done a lot of thinking on the notion of death as a gift. And he really, really wants to believe that its Elves that get the raw deal and that humans have something better to look forward to because he’s living in Beleriand in the Second Age and if this is as good as it gets then how’s that fair? 

So he’s faced with, on the one hand, a sort of faith that Illuvatar has some good plan and that the Secondborn have something glorious waiting for them and he hopes all the best for them -

but on the other hand, he has all these mortal loved ones, generations of them, and they. keep. dying. And he’s never going to see them again. They’re just gone where he can’t go and how’s that fair? How’s that better? 

It’s horrible enough with all his family dying around him, but at least he knows that at the end of that tunnel is release from the Halls reimbodyment, and with his measure of foresight, he can sort of sense that. But the mortals? When the die, that’s it. He can’t sense one bit of them. It’s terrifying. Like they’ve just been snuffed out. And, I have to say, as a mortal (as I am, personally), I find the idea of immortality/eternity not just terrifying but beyond comprehension. 

That’s how Finrod feels about permanent death. I imagine that’s how most elves feel about it.

[horroroftheflesh]

4 am. feelinng kinda panicky. gonna just talk bout things i love for a bit.

i loved the walk i took today. i loved seeing the glow of the moon through the cacti and mesquite. oddly enough, i loved the warm summer air and the cold sweat on my neck. i love my boyfriend. his support and encouragement make our current struggles feel lighter, not so menacing. i love that we’ve spent more time together recently, laughing and talking and talking and talking. i could listen to him go on and on. i love our silence too, knowing we are both here, present and in tune. i love that he is my partner in every sense of the word. i love my cats and their vitality, i love their companionship. i love watching russ and symphony play with each other, knowing tbey have one another. i love that i was so productive today and finished what needed to be done. i love that my creativity has been flourishing more lately. i need to push myself more, but i love that i know i’m good at what i do. i love my friends, i love that they still keep up with me. i’m not always the friend they deserve, and i want to change that, but i am grateful for their continued presence. i love that they send me funny astrology memes. i hope they are doing okay at this moment. i love my sisters and that they want me more in their lives. i love that my sister called me to rant about her day at work. i love that my brother is growing up but also i don’t. i love my mom and i love that i know i can rely on her support and love. i love the woodpecker outside my apartment. i enjoy seeing him on a daily basis, gathering food. i love cooking. i love knowing that i can combine a few ingredients to make something delicious and, most importantly, i love that i get to share food with people i love. i love people. wish i wasn’t so afraid to be me, authentically, with others, but i do love people. their ways of laughing, their habits, their gestures, their way of saying i love you. things have been hard lately but i will make it through this and i will be better, stronger. i need to remember thet i have love and sometimes it is enough.